Pretty Tariff for a White Guy:

🎃 "Pretty Tariff for a White Guy: Halloween Conspiracy Edition"

A Political Musical Thriller in Minor Key

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🎬 SCENE 1: WHITE HOUSE HALLOWEEN BRIEFING

Set: The Press Briefing Room is decked out in Halloween decor. Pumpkins. Fake cobwebs. A skeleton holding a “TAX THE WTO” sign. Reporters are in costume: CNN reporter dressed as a fact-checker, FOX reporter as a bald eagle. A fog machine is going way too hard.

[Enter PAM BONDI in costume: sparkling red blazer + witch hat with dollar signs.]

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🎤 PAM BONDI (mock serious tone, spooky music playing softly)

“Good afternoon, patriots and parasitic press.
Today, I bring you a tale most chilling…
A tale of shadowy trade deals, currency manipulation, and a man who stared into the eyes of globalism...
…and tariffed it.”

[Thunder crash. Reporters murmur. Lightning (fake) flashes. She grins.]

“They thought it was just a Halloween story...
But baby... this one’s real.”

[Cue music: low rumble turns into the iconic guitar riff of Pretty Fly (For a White Guy) — now with a creepy organ backing it.]

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🎶 MUSICAL NUMBER 1 – "Verse 1 (Conspiracy Style)"

TRUMP (over loudspeaker, voice echoing like a ghost haunting the WTO):

You know it's kind of funny, how they mocked my plan,
But I slapped some tariffs, like a real big man.
I said, “China's playing dirty,” they said, “Take it slow,”
But I dropped that hammer—BOOM—on the WTO.

They cried, “Don’t start a trade war!” and I said, “Watch me!”
I put steel on the list and aluminum at three.
With a MAGA hat and a Diet Coke in hand,
I made Wall Street sweat just like I'd planned.

[Behind Pam, a foggy slideshow displays spooky headlines like: “GLOBAL ECONOMY CURSED BY TARIFFS,” “GERMAN AUTO INDUSTRY HAUNTED.”]

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🎤 PAM BONDI (chorus, spooky-fun, witchy tone):

🎵 So give it up for Tariff Don! (OoooOOOOoooh yeah!)
He’s tradin’ like a marathon! (BOO hoo hoo hoo!)
He don’t need charts or facts that track—
Just guts, gold, and a red ball cap!
(He’s pretty taaaaariff… for a white guy!) 🎃

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SCENE 2: REPORTER FREAKOUT

MSNBC REPORTER (dressed as Dracula):
“Pam, are you suggesting the global economy is under… a Trumpian curse?”

PAM (leaning in close, eerie whisper):

“Let me ask you something, Vlad…
Ever wonder why shipping costs rise every October…
…right after the corn subsidies expire?
Coincidence? Or… tariff poltergeist?”

[Gasps. FOX reporter crosses themselves. A skeleton in the back nods.]

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🎶 MUSICAL NUMBER 2 – “Verse 2 (Halloween Remix)”

TRUMP (sounding possessed, yet smug):

He tried a G7 roast with Macron and May,
But he left with his fries and a “Have a nice day.”
NAFTA was trash, so he called it a name—
“USMCA”—it’s basically the same.

He tweeted ‘bout Canada, “Those folks are unfair!”
While the dairy cows were like, “Do we even care?”
Stock market wobbled, the farmers all groaned—
But he smiled at Fox News from his gold-plated throne.

[Pam throws candy to the press with trade stats taped to each mini Snickers.]

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🎤 CHORUS 2 – PAM BONDI (spooky cheerleader tone):

🎵 So give it to me, Don the Deal! (Uh huh, uh huh!)
Making trade so real surreal! (OoooOoh yeah!)
Sure, the markets shook a little bit—
But your fanbase didn’t quit!
(He’s pretty taaaaariff… for a white guy!) 👻

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🧛‍♀️ SCENE 3: Pam's Solo – “Let the Market Cry (Cursed Remix)”

[Spotlight. Pam steps forward. Lightning cracks. She sings to a haunted teleprompter. Behind her, economic graphs levitate.]

🎵 They called it reckless, they called it doom…
But I say let inflation dance in the room.
They begged us, “Please! Stop raising the price!”
But Donald just said… “Let’s raise it twice.”

🎵 So let the market cry… Let it shriek and shake…
If the GDP falls… let the old rules break!
I’d rather live in a world that’s taxed and wild…
Than be ruled by Davos and their demon child. 😈

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TRUMP (off-screen):
“Some say the greatest trick the devil ever pulled… was NAFTA. Sad!”

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🎬 FINAL CHORUS: “TRICK OR TRADE”

🎵 🎤 Full Cast (including reporters now enchanted):
🎶 Trick or trade, we pay the price!
Global goods or pumpkin spice!
They said “Don’t tax,” but he said “Bite me!”
Tariff ghosts fly nightly! 🎶

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[BLACKOUT – TITLE CARD]

🎬 Coming this fall from the same studio that brought you "Ghostbusters: WTO Edition"...
Pretty Tariff for a White Guy: Halloween Conspiracy Musical
Rated T for Tariff.